I am cheating. This is not about books, nor a discussion post so much as an explanation. An awkward and maybe overly drawn out one. I asked myself twenty times, is it ok to talk about me and my life? But since this is my blog and some followers have expressed concern, I cam to the conclusion that as long as I do not make it a habit, an explanation is okay. I hope I am right 😉
I have had a rough two months. That remark is not pessimism, just simple honesty and acknowledgment. I am okay with it because I know it will happen and next month is another chance to do it better. But many having been asking in on me lately when I “disappear” so today I am doing something that I have been afraid to do. Discussing why the “Vertigo” in Books, Vertigo and Tea.
So let me explain that when I say fear, I am not afraid of being accepted, so many of you have done so openly. I am not afraid of sounding crazy, most of you know that I am 😉
“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”
― Lewis Carroll,
I am afraid of coming across as angered and sad, but that is exactly what I am not anymore. So please remember that some of this is a reflection of where I was and not where I am.
Feel free to skip this if you have no desire to read it and no offense will be taken. I am not sure I would read it. I have been completely clueless on how to do this or whether I even should. However, after having established many wonderful connections in the blogging world, I have come to realize just how many share experiences similar to what has become my daily life. I have received several emails recently that made the decision for me. I was going to write this post.
There is a great bit of uplifting and sense of empowerment that can come from the knowledge that our struggles are shared. Sometimes feeling alone is the worst and we need reminders. Reminders that people do actually “get it” . And you know what, some never will or will not care. That is okay. But since my crazy ass has been disappearing lately, it is probably a good idea to follow through with this post. I hope…
Let’s start from the beginning for those of you who might not be as familiar with the beauty that is me 😉
What you are looking at is a mother of two, who hit the hardest point in her life (close second would be divorce haha) nearly two years ago when she realized it would never be the same. Kinda cute, right? Ok that is debatable as well, but feel free to say so in the comments (maybe it will earn you a future spotlight on the blog – takers?). A girl can try. The bottom line is I have been through some hard shit, and I was not prepared for it. Are we ever?
If you have read my About Me, you get the idea. I suffer from vertigo, intense migraines and cluster headaches, with severe hearing loss, nerve pain.. yada yada. What’s the big deal? I asked myself this very question multiple times, but as my conditioned progressed, I learned something. For me, it was a big deal. A huge deal to be honest.
I can’t flipping walk straight or hear half of the damn time. I have lost my ability to drive , and have downgraded to part-time work from home. I am isolated. Not to mention the pounds a person will additionally pack on when they are stuck on their ass or in bed for days at a time. I am officially the proud owner of the label “chronically ill with an invisible illness”. Yet it doesn’t feel invisible! Countless doctors, specialists, labs and scans revealed two things: 1. I have lovingly rented a small section of my brain out to a lesion free of charge and 2. No one really has answers and I am sinking a lot of money and time into the same response, “We just may never know.”
Can you put that on my tab? *winking at the MRI technician*.
It gets exhausting. So I have done what any normal human being would do, I have cried, I have cursed, I have fallen into depression and anger. I began missing even more of my life because I was too busy seeking someone or something to blame. I had a new agenda and it was ugly. It took literally a year of allowing myself to be tossed around and seeking non-existing gratification before I realized that the illness was no longer my biggest problem. That finger that needed to be pointed, that was the real issue. I was no longer looking for a resolution, I was consumed with the need to blame. I needed something or someone to project this all onto, and it wasn’t there. In fact, it may never be there. People often live many years with invisible, chronic illness before ever receiving a true diagnosis. So what makes me so special?
Nothing! And while that sounds like a horrible response, it was the best answer I could ever truly give myself. I deserved that answer, and I owed it to myself and my family. Why? because the moment I stopped insisting I was different and learned to suck it and stop searching for a place to lay blame, I began to put together my new life.
I was able to rid myself of some of the unnecessary trips to multiple doctors, throw away about 11 of the pointless meds I have been swallowing down and embrace this new and confusing body.
I am not telling anyone to ever stop moving forward or searching for answers. There is always hope, and it is a beautiful, life saving thing. I am merely telling you that if you fall into the cycle of anger, it will consume you worse than the disease. Let it go, let it be and live. Live with what you have and who you are. I have learned that who I was yesterday no longer matters. Today counts though and tomorrow holds endless possibilities. And sometimes I will still act like a shit, but in the end it is okay.
Now I live each day full of mystery and intrigue! But I wake up and drink my morning cocktail with pride. And let’s be honest, cocktails in the morning can be fun! What girl or guy couldn’t go for a quick pick me up? I have an endless supply of Valium…
So that has kind of been me in a nutshell as of late. Sometimes it is fantastic, sometimes my head is in the toilet while I fight bouts of vertigo and nausea. Sometimes I am gone for a day or two or three.
I guess what I am hoping to achieve with this, is similar to what most of us want at some point, a connection with those who understand or care enough to. Because it sucks when shit goes wrong unexpectedly. Because it is okay to feel bad, and it is great to laugh, but it is always better with friends! And you are my friends. So I am inviting you to know me a little me more going forward. I don’t want to continue to live behind a curtain. It isn’t my style. So I am quickly hitting publish before I chicken out..
WHAT TIME IS IT!?
That was a freebie 😉 Some of you will get it, some won’t haha. Now get busy picking me apart in those comments!