As my activeness in the blogging community continues to become more sporadic, it might be an ideal time for one of those “real life” update posts that you see on here occasionally. I understand that these posts can feel monotonous so I will do my best to favor brevity. But the reality is life is happening, and it is affecting this blogging passion of mine.
I want to reinforce the fact that I share these posts in the hope of
establishing something positive. It is to help each of you understand why I disappear at times & remind you that I still care just as much if not more. It is also for the private messages and emails that I receive from those who also struggle. Chronic illness is demanding, exhausting and isolating. But it does not define me or any of you, nor does it mean we are unhappy. I am very happy.
Symptoms are challenging though, affecting my pain levels and mental health. It is a constant struggle of balance that I never seem to fully master. I must accept matters for what they are in order to save peace of mind. Instead of continually pushing myself to fix something I cannot fix, I need to learn how to approach it and live better with it. Sometimes, like today, that means talking about it.
What is happening in terms of health: Currently I am up against increased levels of pain that seems to be more intense in my joints, with muscle spasms affecting my hands and feet. I am living off of ibuprofen (but may soon have to allow myself something more as the doctors claim this is not enough and bad for the liver) and ice/heat combos with Epsom salt baths. As many of you know, I have a walker that I utilize at times and suffered multiple falls last year. Only 2 so far in 2018 with minimal injury I am proud to report! Woot, woot! #goals
The Valium is reducing the vertigo at times, but episodes of cluster headaches and blurred vision have hindered my ability to read and write as I normally would. I find myself seeking silence and darkness to prevent the onset of vomiting (tmi?) that will normally follow when my migraines set in.
There are also some newer symptoms such as increased brain fog and difficulty remembering basic words that are occurring. I would be lying if I said these moments did not scare me. I spent several minutes last week trying to remember what a bathtub was called! Ugh! I mean what the serious hell lol? I am also typing backwords and mixing letters, which makes replying and writing posts a long process of proofing and correcting. And well, there is the other stuff that I cannot bring myself to share on the blog just yet. But I will be seeing a new specialist in April and am looking forward to a fresh perspective. A specific diagnosis has been kicked around several times with the brain lesion and symptoms, but I am not ready to take that route 😉
Where I am at in life: A good place! Sure, I am tired and still have days I want to be
angry, but I think those are necessary. I have made and been through a lot of changes, and grieving is a healthy process. I am accepting things though and that is crucial. I am backed by an amazing support group inside of my home and out. I have a lot of factors now in place to assist me with the different aspects of my life that are not the same as they used to be. And I am finding each day to be a reminder of all that I still have instead of what I no longer have. I am developing a new respect and comfort for this ever-changing body. I have learned an incredible amount and hope to continue to do so. I look at people in a new light and am reminded our struggles while visible or not exist and should never be judged by another. In the end, I feel I am better for all of this. And I would not change that for the world ❤
What this means in terms of blogging: Ah, this is the hard part because I love & respect this community, but I must continue to slow down. I am falling weeks behind on visits and find myself less vocal. I have altered my schedule and reduced posts. And may continue to do so. I will be making changes in how I approach blogging (which I will announce as they happen) and my time. Many will understand and some will not. But I want to keep BVT and continue to be here, and in order to do so, I have to adapt and prioritize health.
The really important part: I cannot thank each of you enough for not only understanding and reaching out, but for reading these posts and wanting to know. For reminding me that it is ok to change and talk about it. The messages, letters and comments constantly pick me up when I feel like I might slip. Through it all I remain happy and you are all a part of that.